I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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