Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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