I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
