So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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