I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
