I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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