you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
