bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
