Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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