Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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