I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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