don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
