the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
