Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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