I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
