Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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