the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I am morally bankrupt
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
