I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
