he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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