I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
