if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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