the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
