Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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