Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I intend to get homeless drunk
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
