We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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