I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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