I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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