I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
