i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.