i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.