A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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