I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
