Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Drunk is not a location!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
