My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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