are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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