i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so let's talk penis.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
