I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
