remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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