Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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