just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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