i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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