My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
