mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
