Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
