Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
