Don't make out with my wife yet
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
