Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Randomize
