You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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