Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
