My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
