twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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