she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
