It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
