I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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