I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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