just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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