yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
