Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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